Donald Trump sits in the Oval Office this morning, reacting to this morning’s announcement of the 2018 Academy Awards nominees.
CALL ME BY YOUR NAME
“I call everyone Donald now. It’s very, very sensual.”
THE POST
“A very good documentary about how Meryl Streep created FAKE NEWS. In the sequel, why not show how Ariana Grande also created the failing Huffington Post? Also, Tom Hanks is supposed to be a nice guy? He is not-so-nice. Very unfair to Nixon — very, very unfair.”
THE BIG SICK
“Very sad that these people don’t live in a country with great healthcare like Norway.”
THREE BILLBOARDS OUTSIDE EBBING, MISSOURI
“We love the poorly educated, don’t we?”
I, TONYA
“We love the poorly educated on ice.”
PHANTOM THREAD
“Many, many people have told me I could have been a fantastic tailor. But they don’t make sewing machines for giant hands like these. Coulda been great. Anyway, pretty nice garments. Not as nice as a Trump tie, but pretty nice.
Also, I won’t say that Daniel Day-Lewis is overrated, but if I did say that he was overrated, I would say what many, many people say: that he’s overrated, but not as overrated as the overrated Meryl Streep.”
GET OUT
“Many fine people on both sides.”
THE FLORIDA PROJECT
“WE LOVE FLORIDA! The Liberal Hollywood Elite don’t. But we love Florida, yes we do, and they love us. Just ask thirsty Little Marco Rubio.”
SHAPE OF WATER
“There is no collusion with underwater creatures from the Amazon. Better ask crooked Hillary what she’s been doing fishing around in the Amazon since she lost the election. Why is no one asking that? There’s been no collusion. No collusion. But if we did have an underwater creature from the Amazon being tasered by Mike Pence right now, it certainly wouldn’t be illegal. We could—if we wanted to. But we don’t. Ask anyone — no collusion. Anyway — we wouldn’t be in this problem — which we’re not in, by the way — if we had better relations with the Soviets to begin with. Would it be so terrible if we got along with them? I don’t know them. But if I did, wouldn’t it be better?”
LADY BIRD
“Nice coming of age story set in a sh*thole town. If it was cast with Stormy Daniels — who I’ve never met — as the mother, this could have been really terrific.”
This is the latest entry in our satire series Reeling.
